Posts Tagged ‘ bride-to-be ’

I realized that, despite my best intentions, I’ve not updated this blog since JANUARY. Shameful, yes. But life happens. That isn’t to say I’ve abandoned my most favourite of pre-wedding distractions (because having them are CRUCIAL to avoid going into bridal meltdown!) I’ve simply gotten wrapped up in life. What’s the John Lennon lyric? Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans… truer words, my friends. Truer words.
In the meantime – check out this fab article posted on about the various vultures cashing in – or, at least trying to – on the upcoming Royal Nuptials.
Commemorative Coins, Paper Dolls & China are pretty much par for the course. But a palace-sanctioned Royal App for your iPhone or Android? That’s right – starting April 18, for the mere price of £1.79 – you can add this app to your phone and enjoy “the tradition, splendour and romance of the seven royal weddings,” including “images of wedding dresses and jewellery, gifts exchanged between bride and groom, presents from family and friends, wedding cakes and flowers.”
My personal favourite, though, has to be the Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction.

Doesn’t it just scream ‘class’? And the best part? The following disclaimer:

“Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are not supplied to, or approved by, Prince William of Wales, Catherine Middleton or any member of the Royal Family. Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.”
I, for one, love watching weddings of this scale on TV… the hats ALONE make it worth tuning in. Will you be watching?

April 13th, 2011 Finding Fabulous, Wedding WTF | No Comments

Well, it’s official: Reality television IS where souls (and brain cells) go to die. E! has leaked word of their latest in a long line of painful examples of the worst humanity has to offer: Bridalplasty.
For the few North American women *not* filled with self-loathing and insecurity, this show seems hell-bent on having you join the fray.
In this newest bit of creative brilliance, brides-to-be are pitted against each other to compete in wedding-themed (I’m guessing cake decorating, dress designing & the writing of wedding vows that will, no doubt, cause angels to weep) challenges.
And the grand prize these mentally stable ladies will be competing for? Plastic surgery. For real. Actually, the wording in the press release is “extensive surgical procedures.” WTF! And I thought paying someone else to do my makeup for me (I didn’t, for the record) was a bit excessive.
From the limited information I’ve read, it sounds like Bridalplasty is set to be a cross between Bulging Brides, Survivor & The Swan (remember that abhorrent bit of Must-See TV?), wherein one woman gets booted out of the house (which I can only assume will be wired to the rafters with cameras so as to capture each and every second of bitchy melodrama & catty smackdowns) each week, while another wins one cosmetic surgery procedure of her choosing. And then the last bride standing not only gets her “dream wedding,” but she also wins her entire “wish list” of plastic surgery. And just to make it extra special, her big reveal comes… as she walks down the aisle. Are you effin’ KIDDING me?! She goes under the knife for her “extensive surgical procedure” and THEN her groom-to-be bears witness to the results as she’s walking down the aisle. Will the show also provide her with a name tag so he’s sure to recognize her?
I guess we shouldn’t be too terribly surprised. These are the same great minds responsible for VH1’s The Surreal Life and Rock of Love.
Oy vey.

September 21st, 2010 Wedding WTF | No Comments

(are made of this)

Unfortunately, it’s not the dulcet tones of Annie Lennox’s honey-coated voice I’m imagining right now. Yep. The darker, crazed landscaping of Marilyn Manson’s world (in fairness, I do quite enjoy Mr. Warner’s version of the song as well; Annie’s just much prettier to look at) is where my head seems to travel at night.
I’m told it’s normal for a bride-to-be to have outlandish and ridiculous dreams of wardrobe malfunctions, absentee caterers and no-show guests. So I suppose coupling with that an incredibly anal retentive personality (seriously, I made poor LX wash his hands prior to letting him help me stuff our wedding invitation envelopes) pretty much guarantees that those nightmarish crazies are bound to go far beyond the deep end.
And that’s where my whacked-out dreams tend to be taking me as of late. On the plus side, I tend to wake up before my alarm – which sounds at 6:40am during the week – and even earlier on the weekends, effectively cutting short the absurdity of my subconscious meanderings. Of course, for someone who enjoys sleep, I’m not entirely certain this can be called a “plus side.” On the other hand, I do enjoy me my strong black coffee.
I’m finding that it helps to be marrying someone whom I consider to be, perhaps, the most stoic and sensible man alive. He listens quietly to my oftentimes frantic recollections of each night’s absurdity and then calmly reminds me that everything is going to be brilliant and beautiful and amazing. And he’s right. Everything will.
But I have an incredibly active and theatrical imagination. Why I’ve not yet channeled it into a money-making pursuit (and not just a creative one) I’m not sure. I really should look into that. If tales of vampires who glitter in the sun like a parade of Liza impersonators can be turned into a lucrative franchise, there has to be a place for what my mind can conjure. I’m just sayin’.
With only 77 more bridal-barmy sleeps before we say our I Dos, I think I can deal with the insanity of my brain. After that, though, I want it back. My brain that is. Granted, many would find it a less than sane place in which to reside. But I like it. And, after 40 years of living in it, I’ve come to appreciate it wholeheartedly.

June 12th, 2010 The Confessional | No Comments